Solitude

"Lonliness is inner emptiness.  Solitude is inner fulfillment" says Foster.  He discusses the discipline of Solitude, and how silence can be used to glorify God.  Another of his quotes that stood out to me was "Though silence sometimes involves the absence of speech, it always invloves the act of listening."  I was moved by the discussion of how we need solitude.  Even Jesus (who was extremely popular and important) took times to be 'alone' (from people) and to be with God.  I am not sure if I am an introvert or extrovert, but while I love spending time with people, I do need time to be alone, and savor the solitude of being alone. 
  Sometimes it is difficult for me to determine how to best practice a discpline.  However, this time one of Foster's ideas caught my mind like a steal in a Black Friday catalog.  This was the practice of a whole day of silence.  I thought about it and then determined to do it on the seventeenth of November, a Saturday when I had only homework planned.  Two other ideas came to me.  One was to spend a half-hour doing a silent prayer walk.  The last was being intentional about my small amounts of time throughout the day that were wasted.
  Here goes.  From sunrise to sunset, I sealed my lips.  I went about the day doing my various daily tasks (including homework) in silence.  I did slip-up a few times, and accidentally spoke when people came up to talk to me, but I also had an index card that explained my practice to curious people. 
  How did it go?  Once again the strong notion percieved in previous disciplines siezed me, in that just because I am doing this special exercise, it does not mean that I won't have problems.  I found myself struggling with sin, and the fact that I was seemingly "trapped" in the limitations of my discipline made me feel helpless.  I was helpless to talk with others and helpless to cry out to God.
   Second, I realized how much I live and breathe music.  So many times I felt like singing, but caught myself.  I tried to supplement my urge by listening to music, but it wasn't the same, as I could not sing along.
   Finally, I also found a certain kind of joy in the practice.  While being speechless felt like a limitation, it also felt like a strength.  I avoided wasting words.  I realized how few words one needs to function.  It is really restful to just listen to others and not yourself.
   How well did I listen to God?  I did not spend as much time focusing on God as I should have.  I feel like I focused more on my schoolwork as a goal, and silence as being an aid to completing that.  But as Foster said, it is about listening, not just silence...
    I found more silence on my prayer walk a week later.  Here I walked into the cold day in a quiet neighborhood in New York.  I walked up Sunset Drive as the sun was setting, and beheld gorgeous yellow light descending from behind dark clouds onto the grey hills in the distance.  It seemed like the light from an illustrated Bible.  I then reflected on Matthew 5:16, and how much we focus on the light that we have to shine on the dark, cold work.  But then I reflected on John 1, and how the light that has shone into the darkness is indeed God, and the light that we have is not of us but of God (Jesus).  When I feel like I am "running out," my light is not, I merely need to turn to Christ, and find sustenance from Him.  He is our light. I also shared with God some prayer requests I had, and found hope, if not answers.
   As far as the idea of being intentional about my little bits of time in between my tasks, I didn't really observe that.  I think that I work better with big picture goals.
  So, where is the big picture?  I am working on seeing it.  My day of silence was one of frustration, depression, but a little joy.  My prayer walk was necessary for me, but I didn't get the answers to prayer that I wanted.  I failed to practice the last idea.  I can't say that I have changed.
  Maybe I am not full, but I am thirsty.  I am longing to resist sin and offer God my days.  I want to fast from words, as I did on that Saturday.  I am longing to find solitude in God in the moments of chaos in my life.  I am longing to find fulfillment in Him.  I don't feel full, and I am thirsty.