The Disciplines in Retrospect

The semester is over.  Today I turn in three essays and take my final final exam.  I get in a car, travel East and then take a long train home. I will receive a final grade for this class. I will probably never see some of the people from this class again.  When I return I will have new professors, classes, and classmates, and in the further future, this class will be only a letter on a report card on my transcript.  Will it have made a difference in my life?
   Well you have learned a thing or to about me and probably know that everything I do I believe has purpose.  Of course this class will matter.  The questions are: how? why? For whom?  My professor gave us a list of six reflection questions that help me see how I have responded to the disciplines, and how they might benefit others.  Saddle up, we got some questions to answer.
   1. Foster says spiritual disciplines are not designed to be ends in themselves, but are intended to facilitate a person's journey into grater freedom in living a Christ-like life.  How did your practice of the disciplines this semester (either some in particular or all together) help you grow in your faith in and obedience to God? 
           These disciplines challenged me in many ways to be more intentional in my walk and to glorify God by being active inseeking Him in a variety of ways. 
      One of the ways in which I grew in obedience was through submission.  I had several applications for discipline to my life, but the greatest one was through submistting to my authorities.  I recieved back a paper with a grade with which I was not content.  I struggled to submit to the authority of my teacher.  I did nonetheless, and have resolved the situation by appealing to higher authority, but I have come to realize that I am beholden to some, and that obedience to God means obedience to those whom God places over you. 
    I have also learned obedience through surrender in the discipline of fasting.  I discovered the Biblical mandate for fasting, and had one of my first, full experiences with the discipline.  It was one of the things that I have not had in my life, and that God expects of Christians.
   Perhaps in general God has challenged me to take my relationship with him more seriously through the disciplines collectively.  There are many different ways to worship/experience God, and I have seen the value in each.  Some work better for me; some are very challenging.  I feel like these practices have given my life more direction in how to live a holy life of obedience 
2. What were some of the distractions or hindrances that kept you from practicing or practing to the fullest, the assigned disciplines this semester? What does this show you about yourself? How do you plan to address this area (or these areas of struggle)
   I found that the major barriers to my practice of discipline were my business, silence, my laptop, daydreaming, and sin in general.  First, I found that I was busy.  As reflected in a lot of my posts, I did not thoroughly practice the discipline as would have been ideal. It was difficult for me to remember to do things throughout the week for this class, as opposed to a set assignment.  As often happens in my life, other things got in the way of my focus on God.
  Silence was another barrier to the disciplines.  The day that I practiced a day of total silence, I both loved it and hated it.  I loved it because I felt free from wasting words; I hated it because I was not free from wasting thoughts.  I struggled to control my thought life, especially during this time where I felt almost ruled by my thoughts.     
   Facebook.  It is an icon for the various distractions that are found on the internet.  It used to be a part of my day, every day, sometimes for a lot of the day.  As of today, I have fasted from Facebook for one week.  So here I am applying one of the spiritual disciplines I just learned to correct this area of weakness in my life and find time for  the priorites God has given me and avoid distractions. 
   Daydreaming has been another stumbling block for me in the spiritual disciplines, as it has been in all of my life.  Especially in disciplines like prayer and meditation, I struggled to stay focused on God.
  Finally, the ever-persistent struggle of the Christian with sin has nagged upon my soul, especially during the disciplines.
In failing at the disciplines we practice them.  I feel like I struggled practicing the disciplines for different, but that struggle part of the discipline, not distinct from it, in that in embodying this attitude for a set period of time I could see how it could transform my life, and my short-comings.  As I said in my Worship blog, "Some of these pitfalls can be corrected by a change in scheduling, others go deep into my attitude and heart intentions." 
3. Identify three disciplines you think mesh togetgher well and explain how you see them interrelating. How would you plan to practice them together?
 Three disciplines that mesh well are prayer, fasting, and meditation.  Throughout the Bible, prayer and fasting are found together, and God uses them to accomplish great things.  At the same time, meditation is an act of being filled with God's spirit.  What better time to seek fulfilment than when you are empty, phyiscally, from food, and can nurture your soul's longing with a focus on God?  Sure, being hungry might be a distraction from prayer and meditation, but one can the use the time to practice denying the desires of the flesh, and thus leanrning to chose which longings to satisfy.
      Fasting has various purposes (Whitney 156-170): to strengthen prayer, seek God's guidnace, to express grief, to invoke the presnece of God, to express repentance and return to God, to seek self-humbling, and to show show concern for the work of God.   Fasting also comes in handy in Spiritual warfare and is effective in helping one ward off temptation.  It is a way that we reorder our priorities (Prince, 176) and focus on the kingdom of God.
4. Identify one discipline you would urge a new believer to practice.  How would you ionstruct them ion the discipline? Why do you think thsi disciop;ine is especially well-suited to the formation of a new believer?
 The discipline that I would recommend for a new believer would be fasting.  All of the disciplines are wonderful and important as means to glorify God.  However, for a new believer, fasting is so--well-maybe unappetizing.  That's the point.
   I think a new believer gets a taste of most of the disciplines in some form or another when they start to hang out with Christians, learn about the Christian life, and go to church.  However, fasting is perhaps the most overlooked of the spiritual disciplines.  More importantly, fasting provides a venue in which to practice the other disciplines.  When we are fasting, we are prone to worship the God who provides all things, humbled to confess our sins, calmed to meditate, focused to pray, dedicated to want to study, silenced to listen to God, and humbled to submit to His will.
    Weakness.  When we fast (let's say for the time being from food) we become weak.  Our body is processing less calories, thus making less enegry, thus making us more tired.  We don't have as much strength as a fully fed body.  As Romans says, "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly"(Romans 5:6 ESV).  We often connect with God best at times of weakness. 
The new believer can experience first-hand the kind of commitment that it takes to be a Christian.  Not that this is legalism, but on the contrary, fasting is a discipline that is hard to fake.  One can pretend or half-heartedly pray or worship (not saying that new Christian would be more prone to this than I am).  Fasting is merely a unique and powerful experience that serves many purposes for the Christian, and lets them behold the power of God in transforming them and answering prayers.
5. Spiritual disciplines fortify believers against some of the universal struggles and weaknesses all Christians have battled against.  Identify and secribe an area of weakness you observe in the Kuyper College student population. What spriual discipline, if corporately practiced, would target this area of weakness and why?
    It is difficult to say what weaknesses the Kuyper College community has, for different habits of living foster different attitudes in people, and different backgrounds of people from different faiths have different priorities.  However, I will audaciously address two areas.
       1. Addictions.  It seems like most people have some kind of addiction or another.  If you bring the topic up in honest (and perhaps private) conversation, you would be surprised what some people would say.  Addictions can be as harmlessly looking as Facebook.  They can be as 'necessary' as overeating.  They can be 'innocent' as gossip.  They can be as 'strong' as pride.  They can be as seductive as lust, as paralyzing as fear, as busy as anxiety, and as forgotten as loneliness.  Two things are true.  We are not alone in our addictions, and we are not justified in our addictions.
         What do we do?  What do I do?  First, I will say what one doesn't do with an addiction-nothing.  Complacency is almost as bad as feeding the addiction.  Two things must take place.  We must turn away from our sin and turn to God.  This begins by recongnizing our sin.
    Logically, the discipline to utilize is confession.  God has given it as the means whereby we acknowledge His power in our lives and give Him our sin.  We cannot bear it, and He has died that we may be free from it. "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1 ESV).  Christ has already set us free from sin (John 8:36).  We must however, confess our sin when we fall, expecting forgiveness (I John 1:9).  We need Christ to forgive and cleanse us (see Ps. 51).  One of my favorite lines from a song (among many) is by Tenth Avenue North: "In me, Oh Lord can you create a pure heart because I'm afraid that I just might run back to the things that I hate."  As we struggle in a love-hate relationship with our sin, God has an unconditional love for us (see Ps. 103: 17, Is. 54:8, and Jer. 31:3).  That should be an encouragement.

    2.  Idleness.  I will re-quote one of my favorite quotes from Foster this semester, "Now when I speak of mind pollution I am not thinking only of 'bad' books, films and so on, but of mediocre books and films.  You see unless we set before ourselves a 'habitual vision of greatness' we will surely degenerate" (Foster, 93).  This was cited from the discipline of study.  America is ruled (speaking of addictions) by a spirit of anti-intellectualism, not only in academics, but also in thorough study of the Bible.
     I mean not to mock any of my friends but be blunt.  I have often been criticized for passing-over social events, entertainment, or other distractions for the sake of my schoolwork.  I am called now in my life to be a student!  So is everyone else at grade school, college, or above who is reading this.  That calling is from God.  Our weakness is in that we are not embracing it in heart and soul.  The Bible speaks repeatedly about sloth, especially in Proverbs.  God has called us to work.
    What discipline ought to counter this?  I think study and prayer.  Study should not just characterize our devotional life, but also our interactions, in that we are being intentional and earnest.  We ought to re-evaluate our calling as students in light of Scripture and seek to study how we are living and how that ought to change.
      Second, prayer is important.  If we are dedicated our lives to God and seeking God's will, I know that He will call us to be obedient.   Obedience is holiness, and as we fellowship, we can seek discernment upon how that is manifested.  The monks believed that work and prayer should compliment each other and guide their lives.  They were right.  The two must go together. 
   Corporately, confession would ideally be practiced in small groups or with accountability partners.  Corporately, study could be practiced in Bible Studies (suprise!)

6. What advice would you give to the next class of spiritual formation students at Kuyper College who will be practicing these disciplines? 


     1.  Prepare to be changed.  We never know what change will be like.  I simply advise you to have your heart open and sensitive to God, and to cover the experience with prayer, worship, and humility.  God is so holy, and you must prepare your heart to experience Him in new ways.  I advise you to start a habit of confession as you encounter the disciplines, for God may not fully work in your heart if you appease un-confessed sin or inner resentment.
    2. Put the time into it.  These disciplines will take work, some more than others.  Try to make a plan on how to practice them at the beginning of the week, and do your best to try and follow it.  If you fail, well at least you tried!  Read the chapters in Foster.  Highlight take notes, apply and apply.  This is practical Christian living, not just ideas.  Make it as real, as close, and as frightening as possible. 
   3.  Be patient.  Change comes slowly at time.  Expect God to be reorienting your desires and priorities, but don't be upset if you don't see immediate results.  The Word of God always has the right effect, but not always on our intended terms. Be patient with yourself in growing, be patient with others' growing (or seeming lack therof) and be patient with God.
     4. Put your heart into it.  I can't say what this class or these disciplines will do for you.  I can say that they are changing my life.  I am still processing what I have learned and how I will continue the disciplines.  Nevertheless, I am doing this with an open and sincere heart.  I want to serve God and glorify Him.
                      Take my life and let it be
                    consecrated, Lord, to Thee
   

For the Reader: Thank you for following my blog this semester.  It has been a wonderful journey I have learned much, and I pray you have gleaned a gem or two of truth.  This class is over, as is my obligation to maintain this blog.  However, I have enjoyed blogging, and perhaps I will continue.  I won't yet give a promise of how often, but suffice to say that you will see some posting popping up from time to time.  Feel free to check-in and comment!  I am interested to hear your reactions to these disciplines and my life (or why else would I share it with you?). 
Keep Christ at the center.
Blessings, 
Andrew Johnson

Submission in Real Life

An eerie light from a small window above lights stalls of a dark dragon stable.  Holding a spear, an armored man walks through the shadows towards a menacing beast.  He raises the spear.  The chained dragon begins flailing about as the man yells "SUBMIT!"  The dragon smacks the man, throwing him against the wall. The real rider of the dragon comes up to the dragon and calms it.  Not unlike Toothless, it submits to its master.  That is meekness.  Meekness is not weakness but power under control.  Submission is not only the calming and control of ourselves, but the absolute surrender to another.


  Foster discusses different acts of Submission that believers are expected to live out. The first is submission to the Triune God.  The second is submission to Scripture.  The third is submission to our family.  The fourth is submission to our neighbors and those with whom we often interact.  The fifth is submission to the body of Christ (believers).  The sixth is submission to the broken and despised.  The seventh is submission to the world. 
   I had no real plan in practicing discipline this week.  I sort of slacked-off on that.  I did get to seriously considering the chapter yesterday.  I did some reflection, reading of Scripture, and as I kept an eye out for it, found some surprising applications.
  The reflection questions in Foster's book challenged me by asking which of the acts of submission I struggled with the most.  I struggled most with submitting to the broken and to the world.  I am kind of afraid to reach out to mentally challenged, homeless, or poor people.  I also don't really care about my community and the world that much in that I am not very concerned about environmental issues or sociological problems.  I should pray more about how God can lead me to grow in these areas.  I did not do anything about that this week.  So there's that.
  A pastor usually has three points, but I have four-four ways in which this theme of submission cut strait to my heart.  First, I read I John sometime this week.  The last words are, "Little children, keep yourselves from idols" (I John 5:1).  This week (wow, I'm using the word 'week' often, how weak) I was kind of obsessed with a certain video game that was draining my time and focus on God like a mosquito drains your blood.  I was about to play the game again when I remembered this verse and mustered my will-power and did homework instead.  Granted their were relapses, which I effectively smothered last night, but I felt genuinely convicted by Scripture. 
  Second, one of my beloved suit mates presented a message at a worship night this past night.  The message was not on submission necessarily, but I was convicted by a fact that I was not giving God 100% of my life.  Besides video games, another hindrance and distraction in my life has been Facebook.  I made a long post, resigning Facebook at least for a time (Fasting-funny how those other disciplines pop up!). 
I wrote
   "What should be on my mind?  My duty: a responsibility as a child of God to obey him, and offer 100% of my being to God in worship, sacrifice, and devotion.  What is Facebook doing?  Hindering that.  I come on here to waste time or feel good.  Jesus didn't waste time in obeying the Father every moment of His life.  It didn't feel good. He lived worship.  I'm making my life worship right now by fasting from this blue page incessantly on my screen.  I was just convicted that giving Jesus 99% is just as selfish and sinful as giving him 0% or 1%.  He asks for 100%.  That is surrender." And this is submission.  In the surrender there is freedom, for you are in Christ.
   Thirdly, I took a test this morning with a class.  Socializing after the frustrating experience, we all agreed that we did terrible.  Everyone was upset.  Some considered it unjust.  I was upset that I had not studied more.  But despite the resentment, I recognized that this professor was in charge, and I had to submit to him.
   The fourth point I am hesitant to discuss, for it is in no way resolved, and I have strong emotions surrounding it.  I'm going to try to share it, because there is truth somewhere.  I received back a graded ten-page essay today.  I got a low grade, lower than I probably have ever received on any essay in any of my classes over my life.  I am very disappointed in the grade.  I am most disappointed in the fact that I consider most of the grading critiques, comments, and conclusions to be rubbish.  This is not fair.
      I went to a difficult grade school: probably more difficult than most.  I started learning Latin in third grade.  Once I got to middle school and above, I did not always get A's.  I got lots of things wrong, and was challenged constantly to work harder.  Nevertheless, I was content in receiving justice for my grades, and even at times grace (i.e. canceling or postponing of assignments).  Sometime I did "right," sometimes I did "wrong," but I always trusted my authorities, because I was always told "why."
    Oh, great I just thought of Job, maybe that's who I'm being like.  God doesn't answer "why" to Job.  One of my professors discussed the story of Job and said that the lesson Job learned was that "It's not who you are, but whose you are." 
    My identity is not in any paper.  I could fail and butcher every academic assignment for the rest of life, and never lose my standing with God.  He is my standard of justice and accomplishment.  My attitude needs correction, for I don't work to please myself or even my teachers.
    "Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality" (Colossians 3:22-25 ESV). 
   I don't know how this frustrating paper and circumstances will be resolved, but I do know that God has appointed this teacher, and my responsibility is to submit to her, and that means agreeing to do work and receive grades from her.  Do I have cause for arguing my case?  Is that in-contentment  or a desire for justice and truth?  How far should I go to look for it justice?  Is this submission? 
    I did some running today and came to a spot in the woods.  I fell to my knees and prayed to God.  Reflecting, I thought that we as humans are so foolish to spend so much time standing on our feet.  Do we really think that we are really that much taller?  I think about when Isaiah says
     It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
        and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
    who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
        and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
(Isaiah 40:22 ESV)
   God is so great and we are so small.
   Can't we fall to our knees just to say that is where we are meant to be-surrendered to His will and helpless apart from Him?
 As we prepare our hearts to celebrate Christmas, we celebrate the greatest submission ever: God taking  the form of man.  God coming to earth in the form of Jesus Christ.  Jesus submitted to the Father with every breath.   
                         Take my breaths, Father God, for even they are from you. 

Solitude

"Lonliness is inner emptiness.  Solitude is inner fulfillment" says Foster.  He discusses the discipline of Solitude, and how silence can be used to glorify God.  Another of his quotes that stood out to me was "Though silence sometimes involves the absence of speech, it always invloves the act of listening."  I was moved by the discussion of how we need solitude.  Even Jesus (who was extremely popular and important) took times to be 'alone' (from people) and to be with God.  I am not sure if I am an introvert or extrovert, but while I love spending time with people, I do need time to be alone, and savor the solitude of being alone. 
  Sometimes it is difficult for me to determine how to best practice a discpline.  However, this time one of Foster's ideas caught my mind like a steal in a Black Friday catalog.  This was the practice of a whole day of silence.  I thought about it and then determined to do it on the seventeenth of November, a Saturday when I had only homework planned.  Two other ideas came to me.  One was to spend a half-hour doing a silent prayer walk.  The last was being intentional about my small amounts of time throughout the day that were wasted.
  Here goes.  From sunrise to sunset, I sealed my lips.  I went about the day doing my various daily tasks (including homework) in silence.  I did slip-up a few times, and accidentally spoke when people came up to talk to me, but I also had an index card that explained my practice to curious people. 
  How did it go?  Once again the strong notion percieved in previous disciplines siezed me, in that just because I am doing this special exercise, it does not mean that I won't have problems.  I found myself struggling with sin, and the fact that I was seemingly "trapped" in the limitations of my discipline made me feel helpless.  I was helpless to talk with others and helpless to cry out to God.
   Second, I realized how much I live and breathe music.  So many times I felt like singing, but caught myself.  I tried to supplement my urge by listening to music, but it wasn't the same, as I could not sing along.
   Finally, I also found a certain kind of joy in the practice.  While being speechless felt like a limitation, it also felt like a strength.  I avoided wasting words.  I realized how few words one needs to function.  It is really restful to just listen to others and not yourself.
   How well did I listen to God?  I did not spend as much time focusing on God as I should have.  I feel like I focused more on my schoolwork as a goal, and silence as being an aid to completing that.  But as Foster said, it is about listening, not just silence...
    I found more silence on my prayer walk a week later.  Here I walked into the cold day in a quiet neighborhood in New York.  I walked up Sunset Drive as the sun was setting, and beheld gorgeous yellow light descending from behind dark clouds onto the grey hills in the distance.  It seemed like the light from an illustrated Bible.  I then reflected on Matthew 5:16, and how much we focus on the light that we have to shine on the dark, cold work.  But then I reflected on John 1, and how the light that has shone into the darkness is indeed God, and the light that we have is not of us but of God (Jesus).  When I feel like I am "running out," my light is not, I merely need to turn to Christ, and find sustenance from Him.  He is our light. I also shared with God some prayer requests I had, and found hope, if not answers.
   As far as the idea of being intentional about my little bits of time in between my tasks, I didn't really observe that.  I think that I work better with big picture goals.
  So, where is the big picture?  I am working on seeing it.  My day of silence was one of frustration, depression, but a little joy.  My prayer walk was necessary for me, but I didn't get the answers to prayer that I wanted.  I failed to practice the last idea.  I can't say that I have changed.
  Maybe I am not full, but I am thirsty.  I am longing to resist sin and offer God my days.  I want to fast from words, as I did on that Saturday.  I am longing to find solitude in God in the moments of chaos in my life.  I am longing to find fulfillment in Him.  I don't feel full, and I am thirsty.

Simplicity

You think that it would simple to practice the discipline of simplicity.  Simplicity is the practice of putting the values of our possessions into proportion with them as being gifts from God.  As Foster says,"Simplicity is the only thing that sufficiently reorients our lives o that possessions can be genuinely enjoyed with out destroying us.  Without simplicity we will either capitulate to the 'mammon' spirit of this present evil age, or we will fall into the un-Christian legalistic asceticism.  Both lead to idolatry.  Both are spiritually lethal."  What we are presented with from God is this balance that has a humble yet confident knowledge of how to receive and share God's good gifts. Foster's understanding of simplicity strongly leans on the Scriptural passage, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33 ESV)
   I honestly failed to buckle down and practice this discipline throughout the week.  Perhaps my life was not simple enough to allow time.  I don't have any profound reactions of my experiences, just some reflections of how my life has been from questions prompted by Foster.  So, here it goes.
    Can I allow an unfavorable comment about myself to stand, without any need to straighten out the matter?
   Even when joking with my friends, I feel like I have to justify myself.  Whether or not a jesting or serious comment is true, there is something about my pride that has to stutter and and argue to just try to make me not look so stupid.  Simplicity?
    Do I aim at excellence in my work without regard for what people may say or think?
      I am challenged by the words of Collosians, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men," (Colossians 3:23 ESV).  It feels like a difficult balance maintain as I try to work hard and well, but not be upset when my performance is not at the level that I intend.  It feels like my excellence is either about me making myself happy or just trying to make my teacher happy.Simplicity?
  Foster highlighted ten controlling principles to simplicity.  I feel like I have a decent balanced practice of all of them, except for the last one, seeking God's kingdom first.  Some days I just don't make time for devotions, and very little time for prayer.  I can go about important aspects of my day without coming to my God first in prayer and worship. 
     I may live simply, but I want to live intentionally.  God may have given me a meek spirit that doesn't want to hoard possessions or be covetous or greedy, but I want I want more.  I don't want to just be a Christian who is known for what he has not done, but known (at least by God) for what I do do. 

Study

This week I practiced the spiritual discipline of study.  I was excited about encountering this discipline.  I myself love to study Scripture.  I learned of four formal steps to study: repetition, concentration, comprehension and reflection.  The fifth element of study is not a particular task, but rather a particular mindset, and that is, humility.  I felt most convicted by the task of concentration.  I love thinking deeply about scripture, but perhaps my greatest downfall is simply staying focused long enough to be productive.  Foster delved into some fascinating discussion on taking the principle of study and into our relationships.  I was challenged to observe, not judgmentally, but pedagogically my relationships, and my motives for my interactions with others.
  Finally, Foster addressed the fact of how we are influenced by the mediums of culture that we absorb and inadvertantly "study."  I love his words of a firm wake-up call.
  "Now when I speak of mind pollution I am not thinking only of 'bad' books, films and so on, but of mediocre books and films.  You see unless we set before ourselves a 'habitual vision of greatness' we will surely degenerate."
  I agree with Foster that our culture has set low standards in regard to literature, entertainment, and the other mediums that we study in our lives. I feel like often Christians are not holding themselves to a high enough standard in their consumerism.  We should seek the best things, not just mediocre things.

My plan in practicing the discipline was to answer the study questions at the end of the chapter on study to better understand what study means.  I also reread the text and the workbook, gaining an analytical understanding of this analytical discipline.  I also planned to "study" a portion of my life, that being my relationships.
It took me awhile (like 6 days) to finally dig into a passage and study it.  With the suggestion of my teacher, I read 1 Cor. 13.  I read it again.  And again.  I have already read this passage many times in my life, and I just read it, hoping to find something new.  I finally focused on verse seventeen.     "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV)   
   Here is a bullet-list of my observations:

• Why does love sound like a person?  Can an idea 'bear' something?
• Is it a word used for God?
• Love is not another spiritual gift, but a quality that EVERYONE needs
• The body of Christ needs different 'body parts' 
• perhaps blood is to the body as love is to the church

• The Corinthian Church was facing several problems which Paul addressed

• discussions over Christian preachers
• Issues of Sexual immorality
• marriage, widows, food sacrificed to idols
• worship issues
• spiritual gifts

I scanned the book of Corinthians for the word "love" in places other than chapter 13.  I found only one reference to love before chapter 13, I Cor. 8:2-3,
       Now concerning food offered to idols: we know that “all of us possess knowledge.” This “knowledge” puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God.
   (1 Corinthians 8:1-3 ESV)
 This verse shows knowledge in comparison to love, something our 'love passage' will do.  Right after the 'love passage,' love is mentioned in I Cor. 14:1, "Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy." (1 Corinthians 14:1 ESV)
This merely reaffirms the previous section on how love was greater than the other spiritual gifts.  Finally, love is mentioned again at the end of the book, "If anyone has no love for the Lord, let him be accursed. Our Lord, come!" (1 Corinthians 16:22 ESV)
  This text helps us understand that our identity is in our love for one another.  It is the answer to our dissensions in the church-loving each other.  I feel like in a lot of my relationships I have sought to love myself, and not put others first.  For me, having love isn't the problem; the problem is how my love is oriented toward myself and not others.
   Study brings valuable insight to one's life.

Fasting

 Fasting is on the fringes of Christian spirituality.
  Is that true?   
Hey Andrew, long time, no feed!
OK, I don't know where he came from, I did not invite him.
Back to fasting: I have fasted once in my life before this week for twelve hours.  I had never considered it again.
Does it matter?
We studied fasting this past week.  I learned that fasting is an opportunity within our Christian liberty, not a requirement.  The question should be to me, why hasn't it mattered?  I think perhaps because of a lack of education in fasting.  I learned that fasting is an important compliment to prayer this week.  Looking at passages that say that prayer and fasting go together, I felt like perhaps my prayers have been ineffective because I have not incorporated fasting.  From reading Foster and reflecting, I found that benefits from fasting are increased effectiveness in intercessory prayer, guidance in decisions, increased concentration, deliverance from those in bondage, physical well-being, revelations, time to focus on God, living out Christian freedom, engaging in spiritual warfare, finding out what control means, peace, and trust.  I definitely felt peaceful and more controlled during my fast. Fasting can be from food, but also from other aspects of our lives that may try to take dominance.

So I fasted.  I decided to fasted from eating for 24 hours, fast from my laptop for 24 hours, and fast from watching my favorite TV show LOST for 24 hours.  I fasted from eating because I felt like that was the most emphasized form of fasting in the Bible, and I should give it a try.  I tend to have a very selfish view about food, and think that I honestly cannot function without my three square meals a day.  I was wrong. So there's that.
   I also feel like I cannot function one day without my laptop.  I proved this theory wrong.  I checked the next day: I did not receive any life and death emails/Facebook updates.  As I think about it, this probably is revealing pride in my life where I feel like I have to be in control of my life and my different contacts.  Knowledge of this world is good, but knowledge of God is very important.
   Then there is 

(the hit series now on DVD that I have been hooked on for the last four weeks).  I have found at least four hours to watch it every Sunday.  It has become a necessary part of my Sabbath, and I have wondered if I could experience joy in other ways that just this show, whose initial splendor has been fading as the weeks progressed.  Maybe it isn't all it worked up to be.
  Fasting from food I found to be relatively easy.  I have a good measure of resolve when I establish goals, and I never ate, though I was tempted a few times.  While I knew that in 24 hours I would be eating, it felt strange that I was so worried about my sustenance.  I am so in love with food that I experience fear to leave it for a short time.  How can I become less reliant on something that God has made our bodies to be reliant upon?
      Relinquishing my access to my laptop has helped me realize my obsession with awareness.  It seems like us college students have an over-obsession with awareness.  We always want to be aware of what is going on.  With iPhones, smartphones, cellphones, Facebook, Youtube, and the Google, we know everything that is happening in the world at once and in our friends lives, but we don’t know the most important thing.  You cannot research your relationship with God on Google.  How can we be so aware of stuff, but not make time to shut up and be aware of God.  It seems like the closer we get to everything in the world, the further we find ourselves from our Father.  
    Finally, I fasted from

(this is the season 2 cover- because you were wondering).
Having been a tradition for the past month for my Sunday afternoon, or the whole day, it felt strange to not be stranded on a remote Pacific island for hours on end.  I fasted from this because it something that I look forward to every week, even more than church.  It doesn't seem right that I should be excited for entertainment and not for the worship of God. Why? Why do I get joy from this?  How does God intend us to find joy in the Christian life?  Through fellowship, entertainment, activities, work, or what?  These are questions that I should ponder.
      Fasting is meant to be focused on God.  We eliminate aspects of our life that keep us from focusing on God.  I think that I chose potent pieces of my perfunctory day so as to accommodate focus on God.  I functioned well without them.  However, I honestly don't feel like I have changed radically, though my stomach has felt strange for the past few days, and I have been very tired.
  Fasting on a Sunday I felt like I had absolutely nothing to do.  As I have been observing Sabbaths, I have been refraining from physical work and resting.  I found some time to pray, but not as much as I expected.  I mean, you think that life would be perfect when you are fasting, but that is not true.  Living for Christ takes initiative whether you are in times of fulness or emptiness.  Nevertheless, I will fast again.
       

  

Do I pray enough?

Prayer was the spiritual discipline for this week. At the beginning of the chapter, Foster recorded Luther's words that, "I have so much business I cannot get on without spending three hours daily in prayer."  Three hours!  Jeepers Creepers, I don't spend that much time praying in a week!  It seems like every time I read something about prayer I feel like I've fallen sor far from where God wants me to be.
 I was convicted by many things in this chapter, but I will limit my observation to three.  First, Foster discussed that when Jesus prayed for others, "he never concluded by saying 'If it be they will.'...[The disciples and Jesus] obviously believed that they knew what the will of God was before they prayed the prayer of faith.  They were so immersed in the milieu of the Holy Spiirit that when they encountered a specific situation, they knew what should be done" (Foster, 46).  I want to be so close to God's heart that I don't have to worry whether or not my prayer is justified when I am pleading for others, but know that it is grounded in convicted faith.
   Secondly, I don't listen enough.  Listening is an important part of prayer when God speaks back to us.  We need to take time to shut up and bask in His presence.  When we ask a question, it is rude to not wait for an answer.
   Finally, I was conforted as Foster addressed different fears and misconceptions about prayer.  It is encouraging to know that I am not alone in my shortcomings to be a strong prayer.  Together, we must encourage one another to take hold of our repsonsibility to pray in faith to God.
  Honestly, I had no plan for specifically practicing this discipline this week.  This was partly due to the fact that I did not have my workbook with suggestions with me over the weekend.  Nevertheless, I did keep in mind that I ought to be praying.  Whenever I saw someone, I would try and remember to pray for them, no matter how much I knew about them or their situation.  I found myself humbled, especially when those with whom  I interacted exhibited godly qualities.  In that case I would turn around the prayer and ask God to help me be more like them and immmitate Him.
    If I have learned anything this week, it has been that prayer is a most useful weapon that you posses even if you have nothing else.  This past weekend I was in a hotel with the soccer team, and while some of us were lounging in hot tub, one friend opened up about something with which he was struggling.  I didn't have my Bible with me, and no expereience in dealing with his situation, but just called on him and those with me to pray.  God is never far from us, and prayer gives us immediate access to the one who works change in the world. 
  I also read the suggested Scriptures on prayer, and felt exhorted to practice it more.  Frankly, I didn't do the best job praying this week, though I suppose that you could say I stuck to my plan, for I did not have one.  I have come to ponder how valuable prayer is not only in my own life, but also in the lives of others.  Whether I pray ten minutes a day or three hours, there is no substitute of my access to God in Jesus Christ, and I though struggles, joys, and change, I have experienced comfort, peace, and assurance with prayer.  I suppose that I usually don't pray enough, and I will try to make it a bigger part of my life.

The Story of a Relationship

Foundations

    I know God.    
    J.I. Packer wrote in Knowing God, “What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact that underlies it- that He knows me.” 
    God knows me.
    This is the story of our relationship.
    This has forever altered my life, and it is not that I have obtained holiness, or am perfect, but merely that Christ has entered my life by grace through faith, forgiven me of a sins, and called me to a life of obedience.  I am on an adventure, a journey, a quest, and like any journey, there are joyful times and sorrowful times, times of victory, and times of defeat, times of pride and times of humility, times of community and times of loneliness, times when you are shining in the light, and times when you are stumbling darkness.
    I grew up in Western Massachusetts in a loving, active, hard-working family with a small, tight knit church.  I have three brothers.  One is older than me and two are younger.  We all attended a Christian classical school called Jonathan Edwards Academy (JEA).  My family, church, and school have been critical influences on my personal spiritual formation.
    I grew up knowing everything that any boy could want to know about the Christian faith.  I could quote Scripture from a young age, and my learned habits of reading Scripture at a young age.  I never questioned going to church every Sunday until college (and even then, it was only once).  I knew how to say the sinner’s prayer, and I said it dozens of times in church services, afraid for some reason that God was not inside of me and working in me. 
     I was baptized on February 10, 2002, though I was probably not a confessing Christian then. I began to live out my life of faith throughout my childhood.  Suddenly, working on homework on night in, I think, March of 2004, it happened.
    It was like a rock hit me, something inside said
    “You’re free.”
    “I am free? Yeah! I am free, free, free! Yeah, I am freee! Yayyy, I am freeee. Free. Free from sin.”
    This was God’s power, not mine.  C.S. compares conversion to realizing that you are awake. 
    Sadly, assurance came with time. I usually came with a clear conscience to communion. The problem was, I was, as one pastor put it, “a worry wart.” I worried myself to death whether or not I was prepared for communion. The Spirit prompted me on at least one occasion to get out of my seat during the service to confess a sin to a brother. I would tell myself, “It is what is right.” Communion was more of a time to worry, instead of enjoyment.  I was living under a self-imposed standard of legalism.
    I am afraid of plagiarism.  Instructed of the lawlessness and consequences of plagiarism from a young age, I grew an abhorrence for it. In this cloud of hate, I ignored how we were taught to make papers and outlines. I would agonize my self to death, wrongly looking at a resource and rewording each sentence I would use to go write my paper my way.
    There was a teacher at JEA who was very wise, and for this story, her name is Mrs. Seuss.  She started to detect awkward sentences in my report on Marco Polo, and I spilled my wrong method of constructing a paper to her, convinced I was right, thinking it was the only way to avoid plagiarism. She told me the right way, telling me that if I did that,
    “I promise, you won’t be cheating. Do you believe me?”
    God enabled me to realize that the matter was about trusting my teacher, and Him, not myself. Suppressing of my stubbornness and pride, I told Mrs. Seuss I would believe her. The release God gave me was just great, and I followed Mrs. Seuss’ instructions on a unique activity.
    I was captive to my fears of legalism and perfectionism, a sickness of which plagiarism was only a symptom.  Ever perceptive of my situation, Mrs. Seuss told me to write all my fears down, to tear them up, and to give them to God. I confessed. God dissolved my worry with freedom. “O taste and see that the Lord is good.”  This perfectionism had permeated my life, and four years later I can see how far I have come from it, and learned to bask in grace, and acknowledge my imperfections and shortcomings in the light of God’s providence.
        I wrongly took my wonderful education at JEA for granted.  From taking an art class there in first grade, to fully enrolling from second to 10th grade, my life seemed to progress as expected.  The dark night came in the summer of 2008. JEA closed.
    I went to a church prayer meeting during the summer. I raised the prayer request for those who have been bereft of the school, and for wisdom of what to do. I let out,
    “It seems like just all of those years has been wasted, all of the money and time, its just gone.”
    “Don’t you think that it has been wasted, it has not been wasted…”
    A friend encouraged me.
    These years had built within me a foundation of truth and knowledge of God, the Bible, and the world.  I would not exchange my education at JEA for anything.

Repairing the Ruins

    In the midst of the Joker’s horrific crime regime in The Dark Knight, the hopeful D.A. Harvey Dent encourages the city saying, “The night is darkest just before the dawn, and I promise you, the dawn is coming.” All hope was not lost with JEA’s destruction, and God was preparing a path “To give me a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)”
    My father gave me the choice whether I wanted to go to a public school or do some sort of home schooling program, or even take some courses from my community college. I labored over the decision, sure my destiny was at stake.  I begged daily for God’s will to be done, and His glory. I asked for His will to be done for home-schooling, for I did not know His plans, but knew they were good. I worried, feeling how my future would be formed was all at stake. My friendships, would they last?  I told myself yes, and home schooled together with three of my closest friends: Cassandra (for this story), Daniel, and Sam.
    I have become a LOST fanatic recently, and through the good story-writing and character development have realized that every person’s life is driven by powerful motivations.  I have come to realize that I myself have been driven by the primary motivations: a need/desire to please, a desire to succeed, loyalty, fear, trust, and a desire to help others.  These desires have manifested themselves in my relationships and choices.
    Amid the outside pressures of a demanding education and my internal struggles with perfectionism (fear), a desire to please others and do well, and my strong attachment to family life, I felt like I never had a strong attachment to my friends.
    I am selfish and self righteous. It is sad when I let my prestige float over my friends. Even now I struggle asking myself who are my friends, because of wondering whether or not they merit my friendship.  I am so thankful that Jesus didn’t think that way when he chose to love me.  I don’t deserve his love.  As I have been vulnerable with Him, perhaps I need to be more vulnerable with my friends.
    Ten feet away in the dimly lit theater I saw a familiar face.  It turned into a smile.  We both looked down at the people between us and sifted through the crowd until we meet.  Cassandra threw her arms around me and I did the same, bending over, and resting my face on her dark, long hair.  I had forgotten about the strength of the friendship we had.  She was two years and one grade older than me.  We had struggled through JEA together.  I had prayed what to do when JEA closed, and had decided to home school with her, Daniel and Sam. 
    Daniel left the faith.  Sam is now enlisted in the army.  Cassandra volunteered at a local college.  Here, after a small-scale drama production, I saw for the first time in a month.  Amidst the other faces she had met, and the others decisions she had failed to make, I just felt like we were close.  Yet there was never a time when we discussed deep things, things any more important then careers.  Our year of home schooling was profitable (after which I went to a public high school) and I found the hope, yet also tension that came with seeking God.

    Breaking the Barriers

    I had a crush on Cassandra for many years.  My mind would obsess over her for no apparent reason.  We were friends, we both knew.  When Summer 2011 came around, Daniel and Sam were moving on with their lives, but Cassandra was doing her internship ten minutes from my house.  I read this passage in devotions one day, “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” (2 Timothy 2:22 ESV)  Unlike most other days, I felt convicted to apply this passage.  I needed an accountability partner!  I thought of Cassandra, and met her on a sunny day in July.  I told her what I thought, not intending at the moment to push anything beyond the text. 
    After reflecting on the text, she told me that she considered me and my siblings as her brothers and did not want us to lose self-control.  I felt despair.  We parted on good terms, and I pretended like nothing had happened.  Then, driving away, I suddenly felt like Frodo when he dropped the ring into Mount Doom.  It was over.  I was free.  I didn’t have to carry my load or roll my muddy ball of possibility, doubt, uncertainty, ambition, worry, and passion any more.  God gave me release.
    From this situation I see how incompatible my thoughts have often been with my actions.  I also have come to understand the value of having a sister in Christ, even if you have no genetic sister.  God has made them to be an essential part of the Christian community, and we can be friends in a mutual, non-romantic way.  Coming to Kuyper, I have built upon this principle, but also struggled with the romantic temptation that comes with getting to close to any particular member of the opposite sex.  A wise friend of my brothers instructed me last March that accountability ought to be between members of the same gender.  While building upon what I had learned with Cassandra, this also led me to  wisely counsel a sister in Christ later that semester by referring her to female friends instead of acting as her accountability partner.  
………………..
    I am very glad that my Dad prompted me to chose a rock climbing trip the summer of 2008, and I myself got sort of excited.  Why?  I have no idea.  I am terrified of heights.  Perhaps I had never been high enough to even imagine what rock climbing was like. 
    When I was at the rock face, tied to a rope, a helmet strapped on, and a belayer behind me saying “climb away,” I didn’t have much time to think.  I climbed the first ledge, not looking down, and when I reached the top of the rock face, I heard two terrifying words,
    “Lean back!”
    “Lean back?”
    “Yeah, lean back.”
    This was not a matter of trust in the leader, but a trust in God. Would I trust God to save me?  I was told the ropes would hold me, and even a car, but if the rope malfunctioned, I would be dead. I was terrified.  I couldn’t release control over my circumstances, even if logic would have been on my side.  Mentally accepting my certain demise,
                I leaned back.
      “More!”
                I leaned back
      "More!"
    “Is that good?”
    “All the way back, keep going-- that’s good!”
    Parallel to the ground, I repelled.  I cannot think of a better scenario in my life that pitted in such tangible terms fear versus trust.  I made it to the ground without a scratch.
God holds me tighter than that climbing rope.
……………………..   
    In 2009, I decided to go on a mission’s trip to China.  I could  write a blog twice this length on the trip alone, but I will discuss it as it specifically relates to my spiritual growth.  During the year of my home schooling, I had entertained a thought life of unbelief.  I wrestled with what I had been taught and the dilemma posed by skeptics.  For a long time I had had an abiding urge to go to China.  Regardless of my unbelief, I went with all my heart, following the wave of generous sponsors who paid above and beyond my expenses. 
    Before we went oversees, the different missions teams met in a hayfield in Illinois.  There we trained in our Bible knowledge, prepared for the challenges ahead, and grew as a team.  There was many wonderful worship services which shook me of the reality of God among His people.  However, the confession service eventually came.  Our leader urged us to take a piece of paper and literally write down every sin that we are struggling with, questions, or fears we have.  This was not unlike Mrs. Seuss’ exercise the year before.  I easily wrote down everything, including unbelief.  The next step was to literally burn the paper in the fire.
    My heart was goring me: unbelief, “God, are you real?”  I felt corned by the fact that I could not ever be in a place where I could be sure that this was an answerable question.  I had to choose, and out of the pride, deception, and uncertainty of my fickle heart, God broke through, and I threw that damned paper into the fire and watched it burn to ashes.
    A few nights later, our group was preparing to leave, and we had a final communion service.  As my discipleship group leader prayed over me, I felt the grace of God drench me like a waterfall, dispelling the legalism, and with confidence I took communion. 
    There was a teammate sitting next to me who seemed sorrowful.  I asked her what ailed her.  She said that she felt like she was not important and that God had no love for her.  I suddenly began to strongly combat her words with Scripture, reassuring of the truths of God’s word, and pulling Scripture from my head, not even knowing that I knew it.  Through me, God gave the girl the encouragement she needed.
    I draw two principles from this.  First, God cannot work in us until we confess our sin.  Had I not re-affirmed my commitment to my savior a few days prior, perhaps I would not have had the faith and fervor that that girl needed that night.  Second, the power of memorization cannot be overestimated.  Scripture is an invaluable weapon that cannot only edify yourself, but also others.  This semester, I have started to lead a Bible study on Scripture memory, wanting it to be a part of my life and others’

    Calling

      The word makes me excited.  I carry such a heavy burden for my destiny.  For some reason, I feel like I have the responsibility to create my own destiny.  Perhaps it has been my conservative upbringing with a strong reliance upon providence and predestination.  I have learned that destiny isn't exactly something over which I have control.
    I was in tenth grade, and I was in Mrs. Seuss’ Medieval History and Literature Class.  We had an assignment to imitate the epic poem Beowulf.  I gobbled up the assignment, and after making a thorough outline, pumped out a ten page fantasy epic set in Medieval Finland in three and a half hours.  My personal adviser that I was given, Mrs. Hopkins, was impressed, as was the school, for part of it was published in the newsletter.
    A few months later, I had to write a report on the Frankish barbarian tribe for the same class.  Suddenly the thought occurred in me to write my own story for fun.  A deep, dour passion arose in me, and excitement for this story consumed me.  I blitzed ahead, writing.  Finding time for it was difficult, but when I wrote, I felt so alive.  I love to create. 
    Over the past four years, I have typed up different scripts, different pieces, and different paths that the story has taken, and have given them to Mrs. Hopkins.  Her presence and investment in me and my talent has given me energy and hope to continue on this gifted venture.  I have hopes of one day publishing.
    The simple fact of the matter is that our culture is ruled by stories.  The Image (A popular magazine on art, literature, and faith) website states “A culture is governed by its reigning myths.”  I have held strong to the conviction that the stories of our age (primarily movies)- which rake in billions of dollars each year, and also books, have an extraordinary influence on people.  I heard someone once say that God’s will for your life is where the world’s greatest need and your greatest passions meet.  I believe God has given me a gift for writing, and that it I should use it to encourage others and share the gospel, the greatest story. 
    Another calling I had was to come to Kuyper College.  Coming out of high school, I was challenged with a decision.  I hate making decisions.  This goes back to my perfectionism, and not wanting to be wrong.  When you are giving assignments, it is (hopefully) clear what standard is in place and how to abide by it.  When one has the world before them and is given the privilege to choose where to spend the next four years of their life, it is a different matter altogether.  Burdened with my sense of destiny, I labored and applied to six different colleges around the nation.  For whatever reason, I decided to come to Michigan.  I don’t really know what God was doing in that decision, but I have to believe that he was very involved, as I immersed the situation with prayer.
       In the fall of my sophomore year, I was studying for an exam alone.  A friendly upperclassmen stopped by and started conversation.  Driven to my usual posture of blunt honesty, I didn’t respond his greeting by saying “good.”  I don’t remember what questions he asked me, but I remember his penetrating wisdom seeming like Jesus.  In a minute I was in tears, feeling weak, defeated, and lonely.  He said something to the effect that we all need friends, and we can’t go through life on our own.  But since I had been to college, I had never studied with anyone or sought emotional or spiritual help.  I had been a loner, like Wolverine from X-Men.  He long lived a life where he trusted his own willpower and faith in himself to conquer the questions he was afraid to ask.  I am called to life of friendships and community.
    The other calling that I have experienced recently has been to go to Israel.  Every two years, my college offers a study-abroad May-term class in Israel.  I have only heard rave reviews on this experience, and as I am looking forward into ministry, and have an abiding love for history and geography, I have decided to go this Spring, expecting God to teach me great and wonderful things that He has prepared in such a special experience.
    And here is the other calling I have had: ministry.  I came to Kuyper hoping to become a pastor.  People have said that I would make a good pastor, and I do have an abiding love for Scripture as well as a deep concern for others.  For some reason, I thought that becoming a pastor would be the most holy profession, and that I could rest assured of my salvation and best serve the kingdom with pastoral ministry.  Having come to Kuyper and studied theology and the Bible, I have learned that one can glorify God in anything they do, and that  a calling to peal potatoes can be just as holy as a calling to the pastorate.
    But I remain a Pre-Seminary major.  I don’t know if God has called me to become a pastor, but I am taking this step in faith towards the ministry, recognizing my interpersonal skills and love for the Bible. 
    In the meantime, I have been engaging in on-campus ministries during the school year and have been excited to witness growth in students’ life.  This past Summer I worked at a Christian day camp where I grew in my knowledge of what leadership means, and became more aware of the power of Christian fellowship.  I have realized that spiritual growth happens when Christians meet.  In the ministry I am involved in, we have been fostering community on campus, and wherever I go in life, and whatever I do, I have found that life can’t be lived alone.  I pray that one day God leads me to a godly wife with whom I can share the deepest sense of community and love (sacrifice), and better understand Christ’s love for the Church. 
    As I look back on my life, I have experienced God through experiences of fear, failure, success and the supernatural.  Nevertheless, I think one of the greatest ways that I have experienced Him is through obedience.  My life is not a story that would sell millions of copies for its uniqueness.  However, it is characterized by obedience.  I am the way I am because of the faithful obedience of my parents and grandparents, and their emotional, financial, and spiritual support that has sprouted from their relationship with God.  As I have been obedient in my life, there has often been times when I have not felt God, but when I have strayed and looked back, or received affirmation from other believers or the Word, I have recognized the goodness of God displayed through simple obedience.
    I have learned that life is about God. As Dr. Kroeze says, "He is the main character of the Biblical story." God’s plans triumph, and may they ever, not my own ambitions.  Nevertheless, some days I struggle with sin more than others; on this journey, I often forget the supremacy of Christ in my life.  On October 6, 2012, I resolved in writing that, “I will fight until the day that I die the power of sin in my life, and give everything in my possession to the worship of my Savior and God.”
    I don’t know what lies ahead on my spiritual journey.  No one does.  I just want to say with Paul when it is ending, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.” (2 Timothy 4:7-8 ESV)

A Lesson From Cardinals

     This week, I practiced the spiritual discipline of meditation.  Unlike Eastern religions where you try to empty yourself ("clear your mind"), mediation in the Bible is about being filled with God's Spirit.  In meditation, one listens to God, hearing from His word, and waiting on Him in His presence.  I learned that it is OK to use your imagination in meditation (though your primary source is the Bible).  I was glad to learn that, for my imagination often gets in the way of me accomplishing tasks.  Secondly, I learned of a hands-up, hands-down way to pray.  You start prayer with your palms facing upward while you confess to God all of your stresses and struggles, fears and fowl feelings.  After confession, you turn your palms facing upward as you receive God's plan for you.  Here is when you ask God to calm, help, and heal you in the sins and fears that you have relayed to Him.  I was excited to participate in this discipline, as I know it has been a needed part of  my spiritual life.

    I threw on some warm clothes this past Monay and walked into the crisp autumn air.  I found a spot out of the wind in the woods, and sat down on a pine-needle carpet to pray.  Taking the advice of our text "Celebration of Disipline," I resloved to meditate on the words of Faber for 15 minutes.  I set the timer on my phone, doubtful that I could spend fifteen minutes pondering one sentence.  It read  
Only to sit and think of God, 
Oh what a joy it is!
To think the thought, to breathe the Name
Earth hath no higher bliss.
As I was pondering, it came to me that I rarely think about God.  I spend hours just thinking about what I have, what I want, or what I experience.  But for fifteen minutes, I tried to just think about God.  It was peaceful, joyful, and hopeful.  Thinking about God, I realized that He has no imperfections, that He is Holy, and Righteous, and my source of salvation.  From that point of view, the world seems so insignifant.  Why would God care about a sinful place?  I wanted to keep meditating when time ran out
   I did the palms-up, palms-down exercise.  I found it is a good way to confess and give my problems to God, asking Him to intervene in my life.  I felt like my prayers were more specific and had more meaning. 
   Finally I read a passage of Scripture (John 10) which I did not really want to.  I was going to discuss it later that night for a Bible Study, but I didn't really do it with my whole heart.  Scripture should be an important part of meditation, but for me, it simply wasn't.  Maybe I will put it first next time. 
    My imagination did indeed come in handy.  During one of the many times I caught myself daydreaming, a movement in the trees caught my eye.  I heard a shrill peep.  Observing, I noticed a yellow-brown female cardinal.  It flew off to the right.  While I was hoping that I could behold a vibrant, crimson male, the very bird flew to the very branch that the female had just left, returning her call with another shrill peep.  However, instead of flying to the right as to follow his mate, the male flew off to the left.  "No," I thought, "You are going the wrong way."   Nevertheless, the female cardinal let out another call, and the male changed direction, and fluttered away to the call of his mate.
    Reflecting on this mysteriously wonderful experience in nature, I compared it to my relationship with God.  I am the male, trying hard to seek him.  Sometimes I put aside devotions or prayer, or put things in my life to keep me from hearing to my saviors call.  Or even worse, I go the other direction in direct disobedience when I know the way that I ought to be living.  Regardless, God's voice is there in the Scriptures, and embodied in the lives of believers.  He is working, and he wants me to be a part by simply obeying.
   At any rate, the mediation was a worthwhile experience.  I found setting aside an hour and a half of my day to focus on God, and not myself was definitely important.  God deserves all of my day, and even if it is only a five minute Bible-read and prayer each morning, I want to open the door for God to work in me.  I want to follow his call on my life.

Confession

  Confessing is like undressing in front of a crowd, showing them what is underneath the shell.

I hate being the guy who everyone thinks has it all together.
All of my life I have been held in high respect by most people.
I have been looked up to as a goody-two-shoes who follows all the rules and is nice. 
Nevertheless, I am a total sinner, and I am not free of the struggles and sins that burden everyone.  I feel so unworthy of praise for what good I have done when it seems that people have not taken into consideration the wicked things that I have done.

     If one of my friends knew day to day every single sin that I commit, from vile thoughts, to deceptive motives, to selfish actions, they would appalled, disgusted, confused at how they thought I was so good, and would most likely abandon our relationship.  I would not blame them.  Perhaps no amount of apology would make up for the kinds of actions that characterize my life every day.  I can promise to change, but for some reason, I know that I will never be perfect.

   I think about someone who considered every single sin I would ever commit, from vile thoughts, to deceptive motives, to selfish actions.  They were appalled, disguted, but they knew that though I thought I was so good, I was not.  They decided to make a relationsip with me.  They knew that no amount of apology would make up for the kinds of actions that would characterize every day of my life.  He promised to make a change, because he knew that I would never be perfect on my own.

The Romans undressed Jesus in front of a crowd, and pinned Him up on the cross.  The shame of nakedness is coupled with the shame of sin.  The shame is that Jesus wasn't the one who had sinned.
Everyone present thought that he was the sinner, but on the inside, he was the only perfect one there.  The one thing He deserved, the love of God, he gave to us to take the one thing we deserved, the wrath and curse of God. 

...Then there are those days when I am struggling with sin, afraid to let it go, afraid to do what is right, afraid to confess.  I think about how good I am and what great things I could do in life by myself....

But
When I survey the wondrous cross 
On which the prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride.

A Week of Worship

My Spiritual Formation Class has been moving along, as has been my life.  Our theme for this past week has been worship.  I have been practicing it, and here goes my report.

When I was a boy, my parents would bring me to church.  I would witness the gathering of the church, and when I wasn't daydreaming, would sing along in the hymns and listen to the sermons.  Nevertheless, the experience did not feel fulfilling or transformative.

As I grew, I began to understand the Gospel that Christ died to save sinners like me and wanted to live my life for him, and when I was 13, I made that confession with my whole heart.  After that I came to understand that worship was a response to God's love.  It is my duty to thank God with my outpowering of praise seen in worship.

Throughout my biblical education in bible studies and college, I have come to understand that worship is more than just an hour and a half service where you "do the right things" and "say the right words."  After all, Jesus called the Pharisees "Whitewashed tombs" because they tried to look perfect on the outside by following all of the laws while really on the inside they were self-righteous, judgemental, and greedy. 

I will be straitforward and list my observations and things that I learned from worship this week.
1. It was a challenge to be well-rested for the worship service and to stay attentive through the sermon.
2. It was a challenge to want to socialize with brothers and sisters in Christ after the service when I would rather go home to my room and do--nothing?  Why?
3. It was a challenge to put my heart into a Psalter whose tune and words I have never heard before.
4. It was difficult for me not to judge people based on a multitute of reasons, while the reason I am at church is because God has judged me righteous because of His son, and therefore I have no need to judge others who are just as guilty as me.
Some of these pitfalls can be corrected by a change in scheduling, others go deep into my attitude and heart intentions. 
      Worship is such an important of not only Sunday, but every day of the week, and everything I do.  It is so important, that if I do not conscientiously commit my activities to God, I find myself thinking and acting selfishly or falling into sin.  I find myself challenged to sacrifice my time, my words, and my thoughts to God, and give them as worship.

Prologue

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5,6

These verses have been a heart's prayer since my high school graduation.  First, I simply want to know God more, and to reap the benefits that spawn from trusting Him in all I say do.  Secondly, I am one who is yearning to know where to go, and I can find directing by trusting God and acknowledging His presence in my life.  I cannot start any writing about my life without confessing that my life is found only in Christ, and that I am living for him. 

We are on an adventure.  Twenty years ago, my most beloved songwriter of my life-time, Steven Curtis Chapman released the song and album "The Great Adventure."  From a very young age, I have listened to Steven Curtis Chapman.  Whenever we would go on a family road trip to visit relatives or to our favorite camping destination (Indian Hollow,) The Great Adventure would be blasting in our red Dodge Sport Caravan.  As fields and forests flashed by, I would feel a sense of hope, excitement, anticipation, and also assurance that I was meant to be on that particular journey with my family.  We are on a greater adventure, a spiritual one.

My adventure started on Christmas Eve of 1991.  I grew up in a wonderful home in Massachusetts with three (one older, two younger brothers).  I came to know God when I was a teenager, and lived a deceptively stable life until my private christian classical school closed in 2008.  I checked my goals for education and my faith and went forward.  I was home schooled till 2009, and then graduated from public high school.  In 2010 I set out on one of my greatest adventures, Kuyper College.

I wondered how Kuyper was different from the other colleges I had visited when I cam in May for pre-semester orientation.  I found immediately that it was the people who genuinely cared about me and my life. I have stayed for two years, studying, playing sports, becoming involved, and making some close friends.  A third year begins, and I look back on my life to see where I am and from where I have come.

 There is hope that God is directing my steps as I continue to trust Him.  There is excitement, for in every day I am encouraged by my brothers and sisters around me, and can laugh in the joys, cry in the sorrows, and persevere in our journey.  There is antipation of what I can become, what I can achieve, and how the world can be changed.  Finally there is assurance.  I can claim every promise of the Bible as mine, and know that God will never leave me.  This blog is an adventure in the midst of my greater adventure.  I am meant to be here, living this adventure, as are you, meant to be here reading this adventure.  As God acts in my story, I pray that even in the smallest extent, he would act in yours.

In Steven Curtis Chapman's words,
Saddle up your horses, we've got a trail to blaze