Foundations I know God.
J.I. Packer wrote in Knowing God, “What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact that underlies it- that He knows me.”
God knows me.
This is the story of our relationship.
This has forever altered my life, and it is not that I have obtained holiness, or am perfect, but merely that Christ has entered my life by grace through faith, forgiven me of a sins, and called me to a life of obedience. I am on an adventure, a journey, a quest, and like any journey, there are joyful times and sorrowful times, times of victory, and times of defeat, times of pride and times of humility, times of community and times of loneliness, times when you are shining in the light, and times when you are stumbling darkness.
I grew up in Western Massachusetts in a loving, active, hard-working family with a small, tight knit church. I have three brothers. One is older than me and two are younger. We all attended a Christian classical school called Jonathan Edwards Academy (JEA). My family, church, and school have been critical influences on my personal spiritual formation.
I grew up knowing everything that any boy could want to know about the Christian faith. I could quote Scripture from a young age, and my learned habits of reading Scripture at a young age. I never questioned going to church every Sunday until college (and even then, it was only once). I knew how to say the sinner’s prayer, and I said it dozens of times in church services, afraid for some reason that God was not inside of me and working in me.
I was baptized on February 10, 2002, though I was probably not a confessing Christian then. I began to live out my life of faith throughout my childhood. Suddenly, working on homework on night in, I think, March of 2004, it happened.
It was like a rock hit me, something inside said
“You’re free.”
“I am free? Yeah! I am free, free, free! Yeah, I am freee! Yayyy, I am freeee. Free. Free from sin.”
This was God’s power, not mine. C.S. compares conversion to realizing that you are awake.
Sadly, assurance came with time. I usually came with a clear conscience to communion. The problem was, I was, as one pastor put it, “a worry wart.” I worried myself to death whether or not I was prepared for communion. The Spirit prompted me on at least one occasion to get out of my seat during the service to confess a sin to a brother. I would tell myself, “It is what is right.” Communion was more of a time to worry, instead of enjoyment. I was living under a self-imposed standard of legalism.
I am afraid of plagiarism. Instructed of the lawlessness and consequences of plagiarism from a young age, I grew an abhorrence for it. In this cloud of hate, I ignored how we were taught to make papers and outlines. I would agonize my self to death, wrongly looking at a resource and rewording each sentence I would use to go write my paper my way.
There was a teacher at JEA who was very wise, and for this story, her name is Mrs. Seuss. She started to detect awkward sentences in my report on Marco Polo, and I spilled my wrong method of constructing a paper to her, convinced I was right, thinking it was the only way to avoid plagiarism. She told me the right way, telling me that if I did that,
“I promise, you won’t be cheating. Do you believe me?”
God enabled me to realize that the matter was about trusting my teacher, and Him, not myself. Suppressing of my stubbornness and pride, I told Mrs. Seuss I would believe her. The release God gave me was just great, and I followed Mrs. Seuss’ instructions on a unique activity.
I was captive to my fears of legalism and perfectionism, a sickness of which plagiarism was only a symptom. Ever perceptive of my situation, Mrs. Seuss told me to write all my fears down, to tear them up, and to give them to God. I confessed. God dissolved my worry with freedom. “O taste and see that the Lord is good.” This perfectionism had permeated my life, and four years later I can see how far I have come from it, and learned to bask in grace, and acknowledge my imperfections and shortcomings in the light of God’s providence.
I wrongly took my wonderful education at JEA for granted. From taking an art class there in first grade, to fully enrolling from second to 10th grade, my life seemed to progress as expected. The dark night came in the summer of 2008. JEA closed.
I went to a church prayer meeting during the summer. I raised the prayer request for those who have been bereft of the school, and for wisdom of what to do. I let out,
“It seems like just all of those years has been wasted, all of the money and time, its just gone.”
“Don’t you think that it has been wasted, it has not been wasted…”
A friend encouraged me.
These years had built within me a foundation of truth and knowledge of God, the Bible, and the world. I would not exchange my education at JEA for anything.
Repairing the Ruins In the midst of the Joker’s horrific crime regime in The Dark Knight, the hopeful D.A. Harvey Dent encourages the city saying, “The night is darkest just before the dawn, and I promise you, the dawn is coming.” All hope was not lost with JEA’s destruction, and God was preparing a path “To give me a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)”
My father gave me the choice whether I wanted to go to a public school or do some sort of home schooling program, or even take some courses from my community college. I labored over the decision, sure my destiny was at stake. I begged daily for God’s will to be done, and His glory. I asked for His will to be done for home-schooling, for I did not know His plans, but knew they were good. I worried, feeling how my future would be formed was all at stake. My friendships, would they last? I told myself yes, and home schooled together with three of my closest friends: Cassandra (for this story), Daniel, and Sam.
I have become a LOST fanatic recently, and through the good story-writing and character development have realized that every person’s life is driven by powerful motivations. I have come to realize that I myself have been driven by the primary motivations: a need/desire to please, a desire to succeed, loyalty, fear, trust, and a desire to help others. These desires have manifested themselves in my relationships and choices.
Amid the outside pressures of a demanding education and my internal struggles with perfectionism (fear), a desire to please others and do well, and my strong attachment to family life, I felt like I never had a strong attachment to my friends.
I am selfish and self righteous. It is sad when I let my prestige float over my friends. Even now I struggle asking myself who are my friends, because of wondering whether or not they merit my friendship. I am so thankful that Jesus didn’t think that way when he chose to love me. I don’t deserve his love. As I have been vulnerable with Him, perhaps I need to be more vulnerable with my friends.
Ten feet away in the dimly lit theater I saw a familiar face. It turned into a smile. We both looked down at the people between us and sifted through the crowd until we meet. Cassandra threw her arms around me and I did the same, bending over, and resting my face on her dark, long hair. I had forgotten about the strength of the friendship we had. She was two years and one grade older than me. We had struggled through JEA together. I had prayed what to do when JEA closed, and had decided to home school with her, Daniel and Sam.
Daniel left the faith. Sam is now enlisted in the army. Cassandra volunteered at a local college. Here, after a small-scale drama production, I saw for the first time in a month. Amidst the other faces she had met, and the others decisions she had failed to make, I just felt like we were close. Yet there was never a time when we discussed deep things, things any more important then careers. Our year of home schooling was profitable (after which I went to a public high school) and I found the hope, yet also tension that came with seeking God.
Breaking the Barriers I had a crush on Cassandra for many years. My mind would obsess over her for no apparent reason. We were friends, we both knew. When Summer 2011 came around, Daniel and Sam were moving on with their lives, but Cassandra was doing her internship ten minutes from my house. I read this passage in devotions one day, “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” (2 Timothy 2:22 ESV) Unlike most other days, I felt convicted to apply this passage. I needed an accountability partner! I thought of Cassandra, and met her on a sunny day in July. I told her what I thought, not intending at the moment to push anything beyond the text.
After reflecting on the text, she told me that she considered me and my siblings as her brothers and did not want us to lose self-control. I felt despair. We parted on good terms, and I pretended like nothing had happened. Then, driving away, I suddenly felt like Frodo when he dropped the ring into Mount Doom. It was over. I was free. I didn’t have to carry my load or roll my muddy ball of possibility, doubt, uncertainty, ambition, worry, and passion any more. God gave me release.
From this situation I see how incompatible my thoughts have often been with my actions. I also have come to understand the value of having a sister in Christ, even if you have no genetic sister. God has made them to be an essential part of the Christian community, and we can be friends in a mutual, non-romantic way. Coming to Kuyper, I have built upon this principle, but also struggled with the romantic temptation that comes with getting to close to any particular member of the opposite sex. A wise friend of my brothers instructed me last March that accountability ought to be between members of the same gender. While building upon what I had learned with Cassandra, this also led me to wisely counsel a sister in Christ later that semester by referring her to female friends instead of acting as her accountability partner.
………………..
I am very glad that my Dad prompted me to chose a rock climbing trip the summer of 2008, and I myself got sort of excited. Why? I have no idea. I am terrified of heights. Perhaps I had never been high enough to even imagine what rock climbing was like.
When I was at the rock face, tied to a rope, a helmet strapped on, and a belayer behind me saying “climb away,” I didn’t have much time to think. I climbed the first ledge, not looking down, and when I reached the top of the rock face, I heard two terrifying words,
“Lean back!”
“Lean back?”
“Yeah, lean back.”
This was not a matter of trust in the leader, but a trust in God. Would I trust God to save me? I was told the ropes would hold me, and even a car, but if the rope malfunctioned, I would be dead. I was terrified. I couldn’t release control over my circumstances, even if logic would have been on my side. Mentally accepting my certain demise,
I leaned back.
“More!”
I leaned back
"More!"
“Is that good?”
“All the way back, keep going-- that’s good!”
Parallel to the ground, I repelled. I cannot think of a better scenario in my life that pitted in such tangible terms fear versus trust. I made it to the ground without a scratch.
God holds me tighter than that climbing rope.
……………………..
In 2009, I decided to go on a mission’s trip to China. I could write a blog twice this length on the trip alone, but I will discuss it as it specifically relates to my spiritual growth. During the year of my home schooling, I had entertained a thought life of unbelief. I wrestled with what I had been taught and the dilemma posed by skeptics. For a long time I had had an abiding urge to go to China. Regardless of my unbelief, I went with all my heart, following the wave of generous sponsors who paid above and beyond my expenses.
Before we went oversees, the different missions teams met in a hayfield in Illinois. There we trained in our Bible knowledge, prepared for the challenges ahead, and grew as a team. There was many wonderful worship services which shook me of the reality of God among His people. However, the confession service eventually came. Our leader urged us to take a piece of paper and literally write down every sin that we are struggling with, questions, or fears we have. This was not unlike Mrs. Seuss’ exercise the year before. I easily wrote down everything, including unbelief. The next step was to literally burn the paper in the fire.
My heart was goring me: unbelief, “God, are you real?” I felt corned by the fact that I could not ever be in a place where I could be sure that this was an answerable question. I had to choose, and out of the pride, deception, and uncertainty of my fickle heart, God broke through, and I threw that damned paper into the fire and watched it burn to ashes.
A few nights later, our group was preparing to leave, and we had a final communion service. As my discipleship group leader prayed over me, I felt the grace of God drench me like a waterfall, dispelling the legalism, and with confidence I took communion.
There was a teammate sitting next to me who seemed sorrowful. I asked her what ailed her. She said that she felt like she was not important and that God had no love for her. I suddenly began to strongly combat her words with Scripture, reassuring of the truths of God’s word, and pulling Scripture from my head, not even knowing that I knew it. Through me, God gave the girl the encouragement she needed.
I draw two principles from this. First, God cannot work in us until we confess our sin. Had I not re-affirmed my commitment to my savior a few days prior, perhaps I would not have had the faith and fervor that that girl needed that night. Second, the power of memorization cannot be overestimated. Scripture is an invaluable weapon that cannot only edify yourself, but also others. This semester, I have started to lead a Bible study on Scripture memory, wanting it to be a part of my life and others’
Calling The word makes me excited. I carry such a heavy burden for my destiny. For some reason, I feel like I have the responsibility to create my own destiny. Perhaps it has been my conservative upbringing with a strong reliance upon providence and predestination. I have learned that destiny isn't exactly something over which I have control.
I was in tenth grade, and I was in Mrs. Seuss’ Medieval History and Literature Class. We had an assignment to imitate the epic poem
Beowulf. I gobbled up the assignment, and after making a thorough outline, pumped out a ten page fantasy epic set in Medieval Finland in three and a half hours. My personal adviser that I was given, Mrs. Hopkins, was impressed, as was the school, for part of it was published in the newsletter.
A few months later, I had to write a report on the Frankish barbarian tribe for the same class. Suddenly the thought occurred in me to write my own story for fun. A deep, dour passion arose in me, and excitement for this story consumed me. I blitzed ahead, writing. Finding time for it was difficult, but when I wrote, I felt so alive. I love to create.
Over the past four years, I have typed up different scripts, different pieces, and different paths that the story has taken, and have given them to Mrs. Hopkins. Her presence and investment in me and my talent has given me energy and hope to continue on this gifted venture. I have hopes of one day publishing.
The simple fact of the matter is that our culture is ruled by stories.
The Image (A popular magazine on art, literature, and faith) website states “A culture is governed by its reigning myths.” I have held strong to the conviction that the stories of our age (primarily movies)- which rake in billions of dollars each year, and also books, have an extraordinary influence on people. I heard someone once say that God’s will for your life is where the world’s greatest need and your greatest passions meet. I believe God has given me a gift for writing, and that it I should use it to encourage others and share the gospel, the greatest story.
Another calling I had was to come to Kuyper College. Coming out of high school, I was challenged with a decision. I hate making decisions. This goes back to my perfectionism, and not wanting to be wrong. When you are giving assignments, it is (hopefully) clear what standard is in place and how to abide by it. When one has the world before them and is given the privilege to choose where to spend the next four years of their life, it is a different matter altogether. Burdened with my sense of destiny, I labored and applied to six different colleges around the nation. For whatever reason, I decided to come to Michigan. I don’t really know what God was doing in that decision, but I have to believe that he was very involved, as I immersed the situation with prayer.
In the fall of my sophomore year, I was studying for an exam alone. A friendly upperclassmen stopped by and started conversation. Driven to my usual posture of blunt honesty, I didn’t respond his greeting by saying “good.” I don’t remember what questions he asked me, but I remember his penetrating wisdom seeming like Jesus. In a minute I was in tears, feeling weak, defeated, and lonely. He said something to the effect that we all need friends, and we can’t go through life on our own. But since I had been to college, I had never studied with anyone or sought emotional or spiritual help. I had been a loner, like Wolverine from X-Men. He long lived a life where he trusted his own willpower and faith in himself to conquer the questions he was afraid to ask. I am called to life of friendships and community.
The other calling that I have experienced recently has been to go to Israel. Every two years, my college offers a study-abroad May-term class in Israel. I have only heard rave reviews on this experience, and as I am looking forward into ministry, and have an abiding love for history and geography, I have decided to go this Spring, expecting God to teach me great and wonderful things that He has prepared in such a special experience.
And here is the other calling I have had: ministry. I came to Kuyper hoping to become a pastor. People have said that I would make a good pastor, and I do have an abiding love for Scripture as well as a deep concern for others. For some reason, I thought that becoming a pastor would be the most holy profession, and that I could rest assured of my salvation and best serve the kingdom with pastoral ministry. Having come to Kuyper and studied theology and the Bible, I have learned that one can glorify God in anything they do, and that a calling to peal potatoes can be just as holy as a calling to the pastorate.
But I remain a Pre-Seminary major. I don’t know if God has called me to become a pastor, but I am taking this step in faith towards the ministry, recognizing my interpersonal skills and love for the Bible.
In the meantime, I have been engaging in on-campus ministries during the school year and have been excited to witness growth in students’ life. This past Summer I worked at a Christian day camp where I grew in my knowledge of what leadership means, and became more aware of the power of Christian fellowship. I have realized that spiritual growth happens when Christians meet. In the ministry I am involved in, we have been fostering community on campus, and wherever I go in life, and whatever I do, I have found that life can’t be lived alone. I pray that one day God leads me to a godly wife with whom I can share the deepest sense of community and love (sacrifice), and better understand Christ’s love for the Church.
As I look back on my life, I have experienced God through experiences of fear, failure, success and the supernatural. Nevertheless, I think one of the greatest ways that I have experienced Him is through obedience. My life is not a story that would sell millions of copies for its uniqueness. However, it is characterized by obedience. I am the way I am because of the faithful obedience of my parents and grandparents, and their emotional, financial, and spiritual support that has sprouted from their relationship with God. As I have been obedient in my life, there has often been times when I have not felt God, but when I have strayed and looked back, or received affirmation from other believers or the Word, I have recognized the goodness of God displayed through simple obedience.
I have learned that life is about God. As Dr. Kroeze says, "He is the main character of the Biblical story." God’s plans triumph, and may they ever, not my own ambitions. Nevertheless, some days I struggle with sin more than others; on this journey, I often forget the supremacy of Christ in my life. On October 6, 2012, I resolved in writing that, “I will fight until the day that I die the power of sin in my life, and give everything in my possession to the worship of my Savior and God.”
I don’t know what lies ahead on my spiritual journey. No one does. I just want to say with Paul when it is ending, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.” (2 Timothy 4:7-8 ESV)
